Very good...
But it reminds me too much of the scottish health board ads for safe sex. Its almost exactly like one of them.
As an after though, it would benefit from being shot as a b/w silent film. just an idea.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I actually agree. I guess I just suggested that cause sometimes reading all the bickering is sometimes entertaining, but also kinda silly. I was tryin to be a nice guy. [img]eek.gif[/img]I'm not in love with this civilised criticism lark. Say as many bad things as you like, and you don't need to sugarcoat them with 2 trite positive remarks.
I think it would be great if ths place was the one place everyone could turn to to get a dose of reality - no bullshit.
But I'll still post positve comments if something really stands out.
Very good...
But it reminds me too much of the scottish health board ads for safe sex. Its almost exactly like one of them.
As an after though, it would benefit from being shot as a b/w silent film. just an idea.
More great comments, thanks.
Firstly, It won't be shot as a black and white silent film. The last film I made was black and white and I want more of a challenge in the grading at least this time. I don't think it would work as well, it would give us more of a sense of detachment than the colour for this particular story.
Emjen, I don't agree with your point about the narrative having no reason to jump around. Like someone earlier picked up on, it's to show the alternating frantic/calm state of mind she is in at the time.
As I said before, I agree about the advert feel but it was something I had in the back of my mind when I was writing it.
GWE, I appreciate you trying to be a nice guy. A few years ago I would have definately wanted the positive stuff but I'm more comfortble with my own ability now. Thanks anyway, I should said in my first post that all criticism is welcome.
Andy
I liked the script. I started reading, and although I could guess the result in the doctors surgery, I was still ompelled to read it through.
The ending, however, did come to an anti-climax. I felt you built up the story well enough to get the point across, then just trailed off the ending.
I can see it as an advert for safe sex, and if this is the route you are going with this, you may be able to get lots of help with funding (think sponsors I.e. Durex, Mates, Ect) as well as air play (Every TV channel has to play a minimum amount of government-funded adverts / health and safety messages - these are called Fillers), so if you aim at this market, it may be nice to get into.
But you will need to work on the ending, as well as the message you are protraying.
(Is it Drugs and Sex mean Death)?!
Rich.
It's not really anything to do with the drugs actually, that was something I just threw in to add to the youth feel. It's just for a little bit of character really, it will go with the next re-write.
The theme really is relationships, how you can feel so safe and in love with someone then for your world to come crashing down.
It was something I was thinking about, getting sponsorship, and it's something I'll definately look into.
I quite like the ending actually, it starts where it began, this time we know why she is crying. The little girl splashing about is a very important part of the story, because it's essentially her looking at what she'll probably never have.
Thanks for the comments.
Andy
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